that shadowy dark figure standing behind you

Mend a quarrel. Search out a forgotten friend. Dismiss suspicion, and replace it with trust. Write a love letter. Share some treasure. Give a soft answer. Encourage youth. Manifest your loyalty in a word or deed.

Keep a promise. Find the time. Forgo a grudge. Forgive an enemy. Listen. Apologize if you were wrong. Try to understand. Flout envy. Examine your demands on others. Think first of someone else. Appreciate, be kind, be gentle. laugh a little more.

Deserve confidence. Take up arms against malice. Decry complacency. Express your gratitude. Worship your god. Gladden the heart of a child. Take pleasure in the beauty and wonder of the earth. Speak your love. Speak it again. Speak it still again. Speak it still once more.

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Life has been hard lately, but I am trying my best to overcome. Maybe I should listen to the above more often.

soooo...yet again it seems i have been lazy with keeping up on my lj posts. i apologize, my lj brethren, myspace just offers me better goodies. i attempted facebook as well but that just confuses me ^.< so what's been going on? well:

evie did turn 2...lol, and is now halfway through that wonderful year. >.<

ricky and i split a while ago after a slightly drama-filled 4 year span. the break-up wasn't pretty but im working on healing the wounds. i am with a new man now who is everything i could have asked for and more (and no, this isn't honeymoon-phase craziness taking over...i really am genuinely ecstatic about/with him). through this new addition to my life i have been making big steps in my attitude and my general day-to-day outlook on things/life/the world. i guess i can say it's a good thing ricky and i split when we did, otherwise i may have missed one of the best things to happen to me.

a lot of people have asked me how evie is handling the break-up. she really doesn't know what is going on, honestly. she isn't old enough, it seems, to grasp that mom and dad dont live together anymore. it breaks my heart that she is another child that has to live with separated parents, but it's better than her living with parents that hate eachother. at the moment, she doesn't seem to be too bothered by it. she gets to be with us both as we take turns watching her throughout the week, and she seems happy. i dont know how she is with ricky's new girlfriend, but she loves matt (my man) and he is great with her. regardless of her parent's splitting, i think she will still be in a good environment and have people who love her.

i ended up moving..again! since the break up neither one of us could afford that place on our own, so we went our separate ways, as most people in break-ups do. im still in lansdowne, but now i have my own little patch of grass in the world. its a nice place. i also have even more additions than last time. i really don't know what's come about since my last post, but i have the complete rundown on my myspace page, although it seems to be getting updated with even more critters on a regular basis....lol.

nursing school is coming along at a slow pace. it didnt work out at harcum, so i am planning on trying my luck at dccc. this 2 year associate degree is turning into a 5 year ordeal now. well, im just pushing through on the hopes that it will get me and evie a better life. in the meantime im still at dawson's living the fun life of a waitress *right*. im keeping my eyes open for something new and better but havent been putting much effort into it.

i guess that's about it for now. ill try and update more often...i know you all miss me :P if i dont, feel free to get on my case about it.

live laugh love
~deusimus

wow...well here i am again. myspace stole me it seems. funny..i made a myspace cause everyone else did...and i was like *F* myspace for blogs..i gots a LJ for that.....but sadly i have stepped away from lj and fallen into the new love which is myspace. im friggin addicted to that site.

but in the back of my head i was wondering if lj even existed anymore and what happened to people i used to talk to......so i went back and and here i am now. i think i might try to keep this site updated, too. so to all of you who have been patiently gripping the egdes of your seat, i'm sorry, but i'm here now :)

so whats new? well, my daughter, evelynn, is going to be 2 soon. she's doing great and getting into everything. ricky and i are doing well and have a much bigger place to live in now. im done with that horrid pet store and have moved on to bigger and better things. im also working on my RN license. i've taken some liberal arts classes at dccc and am going to start at harcum in the fall and then soon enough be done with it all! muahaha! there have been many new additions to the family, critter wise. i dyed my hair blond and actually kept it that way (as opposed to then dying it some crazy color over the bleach) and cut it about shoulder-length, so i have a whole new look.

guess that's everything in a nutshell.

if anyone is interested, my myspace url is myspace.com/deusimus.......you can find more goodies on there. so,,,i guess IM BACK! WEE!

so i havent posted here in a while, and figured if anything i should really post this:

IM ENGAGED.

yes, ricky and i are engaged to be married. the question has been popped. im very happy and excited. no date has been set yet, so dont worry if you dont hear anything about it for a while. we probably wont even be able to afford a wedding until after i graduate, in 3 years.....its all good tho....

and in other news, i got accepted into nursing school. have to take a few classes at dccc before i can get my RN, so gonna go one year to dccc and then 2 to harcum for nursing....yay!

i really hate the fact that i dont have a "best" female friend...heck i barely have any female aquaintances (spelling ?).

ive realized this for a while, but it really hit me in the face a few minutes ago when i was reading this ad for a "girls night out" convention/party filled with stuff for women from cooking and decorating to naughty things....and i thought...i wouldnt want to go alone (i dont like to be in bigs things like that alone) but only women can go....so, who could i bring? all the people that i would love to bring with me to places are all guys....i have no real girl friends.

it really bothers me, hoesntly....so many girls i know have fun with their best friends (who are girls) and i dont have that connection with anyone....granted i do love my guy friends and i would never trade them for anything, but it would be nice to have someone to really connect with on that level.....

(with the exception of you mel....i would consider u my best friend as far as girls go, but its a bit different since we're related i think. plus we never get a chance to hang out or talk much...i mean....u have jackie. imagine if u never had her...i have no one)

ive had many close female friends over the years..all of which crashed and burned for one reason or another. i think im just not compatable with girls (which is why dateing them never went to far). ive never fought with any of my guy friends, and even if they pissed me off at some point, i hold grudges against none of them....however with girls, i continue to hold grudges against those who have hurt me, even years and years ago.

what is wrong with me? i dont even have anyone close enough to be my maid of honor, but i have a list of guys that i would like to be an important part in my wedding and be groomsmen.

i think that might be what im really missing and what might help fill this depressive void im in. i need a girl best friend...someone to talk to about personal things and what bothers me (serafin u dont count^.^), to go out to clubs with and go shopping with, tea parties and doing eachother's hair..ya know, whatever best friends do. see, i dont even know, cause ive never had it. dammit!

i try so hard to make good female friends, but it never pans out. dont know what i do wrong..maybe i really am that uninteresting. i try with people i work with, people i meet online.....hopeing i can try when i go back to school.....but i can never hold onto or even really create a good friendship with a girl.

chris u need to get a sex-change...lol.

::sigh:: i dont feel like laughing.

why cant anyone have a good time without drinking and smoking nowadays? all i ever hear is people going to get trashed or high or whatever other dumbass activity.......im sick of it. and this means that i cant hang out then? my social life is null and void because i dont drink or smoke apparently. im so fucking pissed......the vast majjority of my friends from high school all drink...as does everyone i work with......and the good night out for all of them is getting drunk....and since i dont feel the same im the ignored one....the one thats never called or invited out.......
the people i work with piss me off the most......everyone is all buddy-buddy except for me......all the time they make plans to go out drinking (mind you half of them are underage) and smoke pot, but i am never even asked if i want to go even if im not going to drink or smoke. and what makes it worse is that they all talk about it right in front of me which is entirely RUDE, since im obviously not going to be invited out as well....why? because i dont engage in illegal, unhealthy, and retarded activities like ever other fucker i know. i really think that i need to start drinking and smoking just to fit in, which is ridiculous that thats what having friends boils down to. im sure if i wanted to go drink or said "hey guys, beer at my place" they all would be my best friends then. at every job ive had, ive never been invited out more then maybe once or twice, all because they just want to go drink, and oh, laura doesnt drink so that obviously means she doesnt want to do anything at all! and the most liked employee always tends to be the one who drinks the most.

am i really that uninteresting that no one wants to hang out with me unless i want to drink or smoke? theres nothing else to do with our time? people these days have a one-tracked mind....get drunk and high, i swear to fucking god and im fucking SICK of it. i would never change the fact that i dont have to do these things to enjoy myself and i love that i dont drink or smoke....i just wish other people were a little more open-minded to the fact that i dont, but i can still enjoy myself regardless. im just so fucking angry i want to cry. i hate this.....what the hell is so wrong with me? no, what the hell is so wrong with people in general?

so, i got a car. YUP.

2005 dodge stratus, dark metalic blue

quite nice, im very pleased.

and now, no joke, im working 55-60 hours a week to be able to pay it off. woo! ill put pics up when i can. just figured id share this news with everyone. lol.

other then that, not much else.

if anyone watches tv or reads the news, there has been a lot of stuff about the delco spca recently...about the horrible conditions and neglectfullness of the staff with reuniting owners with animals. The delco spca has a 8.5 million (yes, million) dollar budget to care for the animals, yet they continue to claim they never have any funds and thus have one of the highest euthanaisa rates out of all the spcas. some spcas are actually no-kill, but not the delco one.

there are a couple families that are in the process of sueing the delco spca in their actions on wrongfully killing 2 cats before the supposed 72 hour holding period, and disregarding any messages or notes left by the owners looking for their animals. i am in full support of these legal actions being held against the spca and the people responsible for the wrongful killings of the animals. this is a horrible place for animals and they need serious fixing if this is to be a real shelter. there are many other cases besides these cat issues, some stories ive heard straight from the people it happened too about the idiocy of the staff....this has got to stop.

this is a quote in yesterday's paper from one of the killed cat owners: "I've always been passionate about animals but i was very naive about the spca. I was relieved when i found out they had my cat. I thought it was in a good place. I found out the hard way that this was one horrible place for animals to be left."

there is going to be a benefit to help raise money for those sueing the spca to make them change their ways and actually TRY to help animals instead of just killing them all. i will be going, and i encourage all of you to go as well. if anyone wants to come with me please let me know. i know this is short notice, but maybe you could fit it in. the animals needs us.

this is a post about it that was on criagslist.com. this will give you some information about the case and where the benefit will be. if you want to read up on the whole thing, the delaware county daily times has been having articles about it for a few days now..i have all of them if you want to borrow them and read. it might be on the daily times website as well....either way.......lets right this wrong!

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In February 2006, the DelCo SPCA euthanized a woman's cat after only two days, even though she left multiple messages on their answering machine and taped a message on the door after she saw her cat in a cage through the window on Sunday (the shelter was closed due to the big snowstorm). When the workers discovered that the cat they had just euthanized Monday morning belonged to someone (and that there were many messages on the machine claiming the cat, but that they "forgot" to check the machine), they conferenced in private and concocted a lie: they told the owner that the cat had bitten someone and that they had to euthanize. The cat's head had to be cut off, and the workers sent it off to a lab to be tested for rabies. About 10 days later, shelter management came forward and told the owners that the workers had lied. They had failed to check the answering machine all morning, ignored the note identifying Whiskers taped to the door, and they tried to cover up their mistake. Upper Providence Twp. police are conducting a criminal investigation and are filing charges. The SPCA pledged to change their policies, to check their own answering machine and to hold cats for 72 hours (which was their policy before but apparently their workers choose not to follow them). This was all public in the newspapers and on tv. Now, last week, another owner's cat was put down after only 24 hours. The SPCA told the owner that they had to euthanize the cat because it was "feral" (wild). However the cat was declawed and the workers failed to notice - it couldn't have been feral if it was declawed. (um...duh?) The SPCA gets hundreds of cats turned in each month (more than 500 according to the sign they posted) - this is not their fault. However they only have room for about 50 cats: this is their fault because they have an endowment of $8.5 million and have a board of directors filled with old biddies (and we mean OLD) possessing little work experience who run this place like they're having a coffee klatch once a month. The euthanasia rates for cats at this place is between 80% and 90%!!! If you've read this far, you're probably ticked off too. Well now there's something you can do about it. The owners of Whiskers, the first cat who was wrongfully euthanized, are holding a benefit Friday night April 21st from 7pm to 11pm. It's at the RS Club in Woodlyn, PA (this is just off Exit 1 of I-476: the MacDade Boulevard exit of the Blue Route). The RS Club is in the Woodlyn Shopping Center, which is right near the exit on MacDade. It's $25 for food, beer and wine. Funds raised are going into a legal fund to potentially sue the SPCA. In addition to the criminal charges, only the owners of the abused/mistreated pets can sue the SPCA because the SPCA is a privately run charity (the public can't just sue them for being idiots). It's not overseen by the county, even though it has "DelCo" in it's name. It's not overseen by the national ASPCA either. A year ago, the DelCo SPCA was all over the news for its poor treatment of the animals in it's care - they didn't even have a vet!!! As a result of the media pressure, the board finally hired a vet to work for 20 hours, and one board member even voted against that. They haven't really done much else, the staff is still rude, the facility is still an embarassment, and the same old spinsters that have been on the board for 15 years are still there. The only way these people are finally going to listen and change that place (it hasn't been updated since the 60s) is if someone holds them accountable. Please come on out to this benefit and raise some money for what is a very good cause - finally forcing that god-forsaken DelCo SPCA to change. Please tell a friend and come - it's only $25 for a fun night out benefiting a very good cause.

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thanx for reading!

its not bad enough that you wake up late for your job, but what if you have a shitty job...then your late for your shitty life.....

im late for my crappy life...thats exactly what i was saying to myself this morning when i woke up an hour after i was supposed to be at work. ::sigh::

anybody know of any GOOD female peircers in the delaware county or center city philly area that is familiar with nipple peircing? i want to get them done, but both ricky and i would probably feel a bit more comfortable with a female peircer...especially since the guy that has done all of my peircings at infinite left there so i cant even get the guy im used to to do it. i know infinite wont have any women until late july, and im pretty sure studio one only has men.....anyone know any places with a female peircer? thanx :)

is anyone familiar with online colleges? or getting a degree online? any info would be helpful....im thiknin about that now...its quite hard trying to balance going to school, plus working enough to still support ourselves, plus being here for evelynn.....so..thiknin maybe online degrees (if legit) would make things easier. any advice appreciated :) thanx

so i had a photoshoot with a photographer a bit ago, and he just dragged things on so much im not going to get into everything, but i finally snapped the other day and sent him this huge email about how unprofessional he is and he gave me poor quality work and that i am never working with him again......i checked his page on a couple modeling websites he's on that we worked thru just out of curiosity after i sent him the email and he deleted all of his accounts. dont know if it really has anything to do with me, but maybe i made him realize how much of a lying ass he is....just thought id share.

i like this picture....thought id share.....




^.^

so...why do guys feel so great about themselves when they sleep around with a bunch of slutty girls...i mean...i know in the guys head he's all syked cause he can get ass like that..but do any of u guys realize how easy these girls are? not all girls i know, and some guys really do work for it...but i hear so often..yeah i banged this chick that i just met last night...and things of the like..obviously these girls dont have very high morals and they'll probbaly sleep with anything that moves...so the fact that u think ur the big guy for getting her in bed is not an accomplishment...sorry.....but ur just another notch in their belt....just as they are to u im sure....i just dont understand it.....



i want to get this as a tattoo. i love johnny, and JV's work....and he isnt making anymore jthm comics so its not like its gonna go downhill and im going to hate it eventually....so i cant imagine hateing it.....dont know where i would put it tho..my top two choice are a half sleeve or on my calf..however....as much as i would like a half sleeve i also have to think of this job-wise....my current job wouldnt care if it shows, but i dont know where im going to end up and a future job might care and if my uniform downt cover it then im screwed. same goes with my calf....thats hard to hide too if my job requires a business suit skirt thing. granted i could wear pants, but if i ever wanted to dress up for a work thing i couldnt wear a knee length skirt. so i have to thik about it....but i want it.

theres totally something else i wanted to talk about on here but i cant remember what it was for the life of me...wow...senior moment. well when i remember ill be sure to make another entry. yay!

so....new things...um....evie is rolling over now! but, she doesnt like to be on her stomach for any longer then a couple minutes, so if im not watching her every second she'll roll over and then stat to cry once she realizes she's on her stomach....i turn her back over...again she rolls over and cries...i turn her over.....it just keep oging on until i put her in her swing and then she cant roll! lol. its good tho thats she's movin around a bit. she so cute!

im debateing about getting another job...either a part-time job to supplement income or just another better paying job to replace my current job. so far i havent even made a decision on what i want to do, let alone actually find a job....but.....its in my head.....

im gonna get my nipples peirced soon.......i have the money...but im not sure where im gonna get them done...the guy thats done all my peircings at infinite doesnt work there anymore, and ricky would feel better with a female peircer anyway and they wont have any female peircers until july....and i dont know of any other good pericing places with women peircers.....i might wait....but i know i want them....

in movie reviews: i saw a history of violence on dvd a week ago or so, and i wasnt impressed with it all at. it got so much hype from what i remember and people raved about it...i was very dissapointed. it wasnt very exciting...and it also had THE WORST and most UNNESSESARY sex scene i have ever seen in a movie (the second sex scene is what i am talking about btw) and also the scene right after it with the woman walking out of the bathroom was completely not needed.......sometimes i really wonder if these writers are like "well...we have to fit in some sort of bush-shot in the movie....how we gonna do that?....eh, we'll just throw it in here...sure, sounds good" honestly....and the sex scene was horrible.........

also saw v for vendetta...that was good....i was entertained. so far v for vendetta and running scared have the top slots in my list of good movies this year. im looking forward to ice age 2 tho :)

i am now officially off the shot......so, im hopeing my moods will change. im still sleeping all the time but im trying my best to keep myself occupied to get myself out of bed.....

so....i guess thats all for now.......not much else to update on thats worthwhile......

i love ricky :)

so i got my tax return back...vast amjority of it is already gone due to credit cards bills...but thats ok. its better to get rid of them..paid one off completely, all $785 of it.....paid $500 to another one and lowered that greatly......we did go out and do a little shopping for ourselves too tho.....got a few new clothes and other diddies......ricky got a couple new games and dvd's......we also got some things for the apt..like new frying pans and pots....still have to get some rugs....

but all in all we spent our money pretty well..i still have $400 left over and still waiting on a $500 check from the state....ricky got his $500 back also....so we're good on money for now...

im gonna get my nipples peirced soon too with the extra mone while we have it. plus another tattoo or so

also have to get my cat spayed and get a bigger cat seat for evie....bah...money goes so fast..lol. at least we have it to do these things. in a few weeks we'll be back to struggling..yay!

i want to go to shampoo, woody's, and i kinda want to go to daydreams now......man i need to get out. i rrreeeaaaalllyyy miss the club scene.....

no, this isnt about relationships....

this is about careers and schooling.......

for some people decideing wether to go to school for something you love as opposed to something that will make you financially secure can be a hard decision....i am one of those people.......im in another rut with school, and need to decided what i am going to do with my life. should i go to school for something i love, or something that will make me money, because i cant have both....

i love animals more then anything, and ive greatly thought about going into a field working with animals, preferably in some sort of animal rescue and rehabilitation...however these fields done bring in a lot of money. deffinately more then what im making now, but not tons, not enough to live really comfortably....

however, ive been thinking about going in for nursing, because i know the money is good and there are always jobs available. but this isnt something that my heart is into fully. this would be a better financial decision, plus its a shorter amount of schooling so i can make more money faster so we can live better, but, like i said, its not my first choice.

im not sure what to do. ricky was going to become a pharmacist once i finished school, and they make agood deal of money. with him doing that i could work with animals and not have to wory about money. but now he's thinking about not doing that and going in for graphic design instead, which doesnt always make great money. plus the job market isnt great because everyone and their mother is going in for graphic design too....so with this change of mind im not secure now.....

this post was much longer then what i thought it would be.....id just like some opinions. love or money?

ive been told by several people now that i have ocd with food. im not going to admit to this, not because of denial, but because sometimes i think the term "ocd" is overused incorrectly...kind of like how everyone blames "ADD" for their flaws. it doesnt bother me one bit if i have ocd, i just want to make it a chronis illness and expect sympathy like some people try for (and im not attacking anyone who was clinically proven with ocd, just saying, sometimes the word means nothing anymore.)

if im going to say yes or no to ocd, ill say yes i do have it, with food tho, thats the only thing ive come to a conclusion about. i dont really need to explain what i do, i just know i do it. and when people see me eat often they know it too and full out say i have ocd with it. whatever. doesnt change my life :)

i also now think i need to seek professional help for my sleeping disorder. its greatly affecting my daily life, and starting to create conflicts with ricky as well as my interaction with evelynn. hopefully i will be getting new insurance soon, and once i do ill go somewhere. i have to fix this. i cant live like this.

:sigh:

anyone know of any LPN program schools around here? im having trouble finding one. or an RN, but rn takes longer then lpn and i need more pre-requesets for rn so i think im just gonna do lpn first an rn later. bottom line..any ideas on lpn schools?